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What am I thinking right now?

GREY'S ANATOMY!!!!! Finally! An episode that I am so happy and giddy about. There was more of a Mer slant, with more interactions of Mer/Der, and Mer/Chris, and Mer/Lex, and Mer/Thatcher... so, all is great! I really do love Meredith, and for the past few seasons, it's been focused on so many other characters as main plotpoints that's not Mer which makes for a sad fangirl. And I have to say, Alex is growing on me. He was man-whore funny in the first couple of seasons, then in my memory, a assholey assy-ness. The this season, finally! A devoted man, a cute adorable-ness that have the potential to rival McDreamy, and funny-ness. All is well in the Grey's fangirl mind. WooHoo!!!

I don't think I've been this happy after an eppy of Greys since sometime in season 2 or 3!

And... I'm listening to Chess in concert right now and I'm really loving it. It's a musical which every single character is clearly seen as a flawed human being. Every single one. It's nice, all other musicals or stories always have one rightoeus character, always have the right moral compass, never really do anthing wrong, always seen as the good guy... (hmm, kinda sounds like me :)) and that's nice. I like how even the one character than could be classified as that is still not that really, Svetlana, sharing the song of 'I Know Him So Well'. They're all in this strange and unfortunate situation which every single one of them is kind of self-destructing in their own way, not just as they are seen as by some of the characters in 'The American and Florence'.
I really wish I could have been there to see it live at Royal Albert Hall. :(

Oct. 7th, 2009

So. I'm on a little fanfic reading hiatus. I just can't stand the perfect Edward or Harry or Derek because it reminds me that I'm no where near having one these as my own or anything near that. I can't read more angst because it makes me more angsty and depressed. I can't read anymore comedies because it makes me sad that my life is not filled with laughter like that. I can't read the family bonding fics or ones with a loving group of friends as substitutes because I don't have that either.

And due to the above reasons, I have stopped reading anything at the moment which makes me very, very, very bored.

And boredness leads to me reminising back to my drunken first kiss/making out because that's the only experience that I've had and it was not bad to say the least and it was pretty memorable (at least to me). Damn, being a loner is really hard to get some action.



1/4 life crisis

So I don't know how many times I need to repeat this until it comes true, but I just have to let it out once in a while...

I want to live alone. My entire life goal is to be able to live alone in a place I'm comfortable in, where I can do things in my own time, and manage my life the way I want it. At least have some semblance of control anyways.

I got to see the dorm/accomodation room I'll be expected to occupy for the nxt 3 months, and I just don't like it. Hate it infact. It's old and icky and the bathroom is disgusting. I know I'm just being picky, a little princess like and a bit anal, but it's really not something I can control. Sigh. It's just wrong though, it's really icky and obviously the cleaners are extremely inadaquate in keeping the room/bathroom in nice quality... I don't wanna go!

I have no doubt in my mind that I'll cry at least a little on Monday, the day which I will have to start living there for half a week as well as the fact it's my crappy birthday. Happy birthday lisa.

-- Posted from my iPhone


Testing testing 123

Posting from my iPhone. Does it work? Does it work?

-- Posted from my iPhone

Fanfics read recently...

HP fics...Collapse )

Twilight fics...Collapse )

p.s. I've just dl-ed Jake 2.0, rewatching it again, and totally geeking out over it!
Well. I don't even know where to begin. So much makes me angry, depressed, or sometimes just numbly uncaring. It's strange.

For example, I bought a newspaper to read on lunch today and it just makes me so sad and angry that I remembered why I don't really ever read newspapers or even follow current affairs anymore. It just makes me hate humans and people even more than usual and that is just not good. But really. What bothered me the most in the newspaper was Corporate crime/white collar crime. Toxic waste and attempting to hide it. And compensating people. I hate that. Some near 20 people died or seriously ill and so so many more had to have medical attention and I can swear on my life that noone will go to jail, or even get that much of a punishment more than a slap on the wrist and a fine that won't even put a dent in their multi-national business, where the bankers who works in that business gets £1M annual bonus. That is just wrong.

Another thing that's got me all wired up is the event that is my 21st birthday coming up. It's not even the fact that I'm growing up that's bugging me. It's my life and the people who surround that bothers the hell outta me.

I have low standard usually, and maybe even to the point of no standards for my birthday celebrations. I'm used to crappy birthdays, working on the day, or mostly the crappy family dining out event that's always unequivocally crappy. It's never been a happy day. Parents try to celebrate, but we're such a boring/annoying/crappy family that it's just like sawdust in the mouth all the time. Not to mention birthday gifts. Mum tries and gets me stuff, Dad just... I think I can count on one hand anything he's ever brought me and my older brother, probably less. Don't get me wrong. I'm not, you know, super ficial, or want something blingy. Just something that I would like, or even getting a present that looks like someone has taken time to think about it.

But. It's just, it's the 21st. There's a certain expectation that I can't put away and I know that will never be met and it makes me sad that it wouldn't ever meet near it, and then I'm sad about being sad about that. I also can't help comparing to one of my friend (though not very close anymoore friend) that had her 21st just a few days ago. She had a lovely night dinnering with her family, got some clothes, cake baked by her mum, matching purse and bag from her younger brother, a trip to NYC next week with her dad's new family, and a brilliant night out dancing with friends a couple of nights before her actual birthday.

I'm not asking for her bithday, but it's just, so much thought has been put to her birthday and what she might like, and it feels a little un-wanted. I know that my family wouldn't give that much thought into what I would like. My brother phoned me the other day trying to guilt me into paying off his credit card bill with my upcoming student loans. Of course I leech off my father and girlfriend like he does and have extra money to spare with living expenses and travelling to and fro uni and food and what about my life that I'm supposed to be living!? sob. I just don;t understand what goes on in his head that thinks about these things, or that his sister 10 years his junior can help him financially.

Then there's my parents. My dad's thinking too much into the stock market and risking the entirity of our livings and savings (that was also supposed to put me through uni) into the crappy market to sapre me a thought into what I might like, or what makes me happy. He's so frikking tight with money that he wasn't near politeness when my mum went to the store to get some bean sprouts and saw that it wasn't reduced. Seriously. I know for sure tha we aren't doing that badly, and seriously, if he doesn't want to buy it, he should start not eating mum's dinner. But we know for certain that he'd rather be stingy on everything in life in order to get more money to put into the cruddy stock market. It just fucks me up so fucking much. I know that there'll be nothing exciting coming from him ever so no suprises that I'd probably get something cruddy this year as well.

And there is the fact that they are both treating me as if I'm a glass doll, or a little little child. Which obviously. I am not. But it's just that I don't look anywhere near 18, let alone 21. I still get chauffeured around cos I have no car of my own and they think walking or taking a bus anywhere is like commiting suicide. And they keep opening my door to check on me or something and it's like, what to they want from me? I don't do anything bad, I don't have terribly large amount of friends, I don't go out alot, I have to romantic life whatsoever, I do nothing interesting. I mean seriously, I am the most boring person on earth and what do they want from me? I so want to leave all of it, move out, phone them once a month and visit once a year, one of those people. But that would just kill my mum. Really. She annoys the life outta (kinda literally too) but I'd rather not break her heart and as a person even more so than it already is. I mean seriously, she's scared to go anywhere alone, she crosses a street with a whistle clutched in her hand for god's sake! I can't do that to her!

But I am so dying inside.

Third thing that is killing me is that I would really really like a life, a love life in fact. I have none of that at all. Ever. No one seems to like me. I'm not terribly friendly with many boys which I kinda understand why life might be lacking in this department. But really, there seems to be no interest. This does not to well for my ego, or my confidence in general. I'm getting more and more depressed about this as well and I can't seem to help it. I know that logically, I'll get there eventually and I just have to live life and see what it brings me, but I really can't help feeling sad that I have no loving at all. I mean come on, I'm appraoching 21, first kiss was a couple of months ago when we were both pretty drunk and probably went a little further if it wasn't that time of the month and wasn't literally freezing my ass off in the middle of a garden. I really want the kind of intimacy and closeness that I witness in my friends. Some might have gotten their heart broken, but it's all worth it. As an Idina Menzel song lyric goes 'better to have loved than never loved at all'. But I have no idea what, or how, or when this happens...

I am just so sick of my life.

p.s. and of  course, my birthday has to be the first day of lectures, with a 11am start with research methods which I hate with all my life.


Feeling sad right now. A bunch of friends went to Reading and I'm not really into that whole camping and being in crowds of thousands of smelly people... but I feel really left out. More so than usual as well, don't know why that is, I should have thought I'm used to it...


HP fic recs...

Right... I think a definitive list of HP and Harry/Ginny fics needs to compiled...

Like all other fandoms, I think I'm getting a little obsessed with it. Again.

HP fics...Collapse )


Fics read recently...

Because my bookmarks is getting filled with fics that I haven't read, I don't need ones that I've already read filling that precious space as well.

And I'm certain that I'll have to start a definitive list of HP or Harry/Ginny fic list soon as well, though I have to say, my mind is just not into it as much as I could be or might have been when reading in different fandoms. I wonder if it's because I'm so tired these days from work, the fandom/pairing isn't as OTP, or because I'm actually attempting to straddle a couple of fandoms at one time (and with fall tv season starting soon, even more fandoms), as well as trying not not in the least suceeding in trying to get some reading done before uni starts again...

Anywho, fics read recently, come right this way...

Twilight fics...Collapse )
Twilight fics...Collapse )

Edit: Right, the cut didn't turn out like I wanted (like it ever does) and so, the second cut should be 'HP fics...'

Change in obsessions and theatre trip!

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been completely occupied by Harry Potter, I have listened to Harry Potter, all 7 audiobooks in any spear time that I have for the first week and a half, which comes to me alienating myself from the Twilight fandom for a little bit. I mean, do you know how hard it is to listen to someone telling a story while attempting to read fanfics in a completely different fandom? It's effing hard. So I've neglected a helluvalot of updates, which I'm sad, but only to an extent because I'm in the beautiful rush that comes over when you first enter a fandom and it's still completely and utterly exciting to find new sites and find fics that you want.

Right. First I think I have to rant a little about the audiobook itself. I mean, I was freaking awesome! So so freaking awesome! Stephen Fry is so perfect for this job and he did it beautifully. One review on itunes was that listening to Stephen Fry's audiobooking HP is something that should be done in anyone's life and I wholeheartedly concur. He somehow makes all the voices completely perfect for every single character, whether it is Dumbledore, or McGonigule or Voldemort or Ginny, it defies logic that someone should be able to do that, but it is so great. I can't recommend it enough really. I also know that it is really ridiculously expensive and this is why I had to download it illegally, and for once, I can't even feel guilty because it was so stupidly over-priced that noone can really afford it.

I've avoided HP for so long now. It was initially becasue I've never really been interested in the magic and fantasy (though I've been completely entranced by BtVS, and Dark Angel, and of course Twilight). Then there seemed to be so many people who liked HP and been classified as geeks and that is one label I'd rather not have, and I can't get over this fact, with learning in sociology and labelling and status and inequalities and hawthorne effect and a helluvalot of stuff that I know that being seen as geeks or populars or anything else be important or I should care about it. But I can't really help how I feel really.

But now, I'd say I'm liking this fandom. Cut for HP spoilersCollapse )
Right. I think that's about it for the moment anyways... I'm sure I've missed something in my rants on HP.

And of course again. I just had to dive right into the ff.net Harry Potter section. lol. And so I have new fic obsessions, and most of them at least are finished fics for the moment cos I've just started in the fandom. Edit: Okay, I'm lying, 1 of them was completed and it was so satisfying to read a finished fic that it got to my head. lol. Anyways, There are the HP fics that I've read so far.Collapse )
You know what? I'll ramble about my theatre trip later... I have to dust and rearrange my room to fit a new chair from Ikea in my room... and it's a difficult thing to do cosidering how small my room is really. xx